trust

red berries in golden early morning sun

I will give you everything
That you've ever wanted
With this promise
I will bring you home again

Skydiggers - Track 5 Cowboy CD No. 2

I feel so grateful I feel like my heart will surely burst.

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed yet again - but oh my, this feeling is so different - after weeks, months, years of feeling so incredibly overwhelmed by Sadness, Ache, Grief and Loneliness - of feeling so Broken and irrevocably Damaged - How did I land here in this place ? Questions I'm trying so hard to not ask myself - Where did all of this come from ? Do I deserve so much goodness ? Am I worthy of this? Don't answer - I know that all of you aren't asking questions, just like MLou who's smiling and nodding at me from far, far away in Thailand and saying with a big, wide smirk Uh Huh ! See ... told ya so.

I believed (for much of this blogs life) that my good life was over but that best girl kept holding me up, kept standing there with me, making sure that I wouldn't sink completely in the thick, dark muck I believed to be all around me. She kept trying to show me who I really was and she never gave up. She showed me big, huge love when I truly believed it was gone from my life forever. I am crying as I write this. I have needed to cry. Some tears are essential and cleansing. My life has been turned completely upside down, inside out and sideways and only in the most amazing way(s). If I stop to think about it, about this, for too long I feel like I might just dissolve into a pile of dust.

Don't be afraid, have courage ... trust in love. Trust in love

Thank you Madam Universe ... thank you

I'm weak in the knees for you,
but I'll stand if you want me to.

Serena Ryder - Track 6 Cowboy CD No. 2

thrilling

a poster I did this week for our local shelter's big annual fundraising telethon

The shelter where almost all my kids were adopted from - Jake in '95, Missy D in 2000, Gus & Oliver as sweet baby kittens in 2006 and our newest addition Miss Piper Belle.

blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, can't complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, looking good, merry, mirthful, on cloud none, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink, up, upbeat, walking on air ...

I wake now, each early morning, thrilled. I am so wonderfully happy I can hardly stand it. In my social travels around this little village - to the grocery store, to the fantastic new hairdresser or to the dentist for a filling - I've been noticing lately everyone seems to be responding to me in a new and bigger way. I've always considered myself to be a fairly well liked, friendly, dare I even say an out going gal about town but lately it's as if I've been tattooed with happiness. It's written on my face, I'm glowing with a strange and beckoning aura. I'll admit I have to stop myself when asked How are you Susan ? or So ... what's new with you ? from doing cartwheels and jumping up and down and singing. Spinning & twirling and smiling like my best girl Missy D. Rejoicing.
But ... no calisthenics appear needed - it's like people can see through to my big, beautiful secret when they look at me, when they speak to me. They beam and smile and laugh at me -
everyone seems to sense my thrilling.

I've got it bad.

I start the day, each early morning (5:15 am) with my big cream coloured favourite Starbuck's mug filled with perfectly brewed coffee (triple milk and half a sugar if it were a Timmie's order) in my bed tucked in with my cordless phone where I listen to the (too many to count) archived messages from my cowboy. It seems I add one new sweet message daily to the growing pile of recorded love and he and I, thankfully, have at least one long live chat daily.

Yesterday that girl phoned me from Thailand - Hooray ! she who I love with all my heart. It's the first time she and I have talked since all this goodness began. She's been keeping up with my crazy new life by reading les blog. I said to her You are going to love him ! and she replied instantly I already do.

I'm super, super busy here at the TTD - M. Universe is testing me, I know it. She is saying to herself I wonder, just how much goodness can that designer gal stand ?

Bring it on ! I reply.
Merci, Merci, Merci !!

pas de coup (for now)

cover collage illustration for HOW magazine avec dummied in (by me) cover lines

Disappointments are to the soul
what the thunder storm is to the air

Friedrich von Schiller

Do you remember this big good announcement awhile back - not only had I been chosen to be featured in an article on hand lettering in this big design magazine but ... Hello ! I was asked to illustrate the cover of the big (most important) double sized, design annual, issue. An assignment that thrilled me right off of my desk chair.

Bad news has arrived. They've changed their minds, they are not using my cover illustration although they are paying me (shut up ! I get paid for this ??) in full and have assured me that they believe my illustration to be beautiful but the focus of that issue has changed and my whack-a-doo collage (I know it is a bit kooky and wild - but my art direction was to please make it tres rich and full O' texture) is no longer appropriate. Here's the thing ... I love my cover. I feel more than happy with how it turned out - I actually think it's the strongest and best piece I've done to date. Yes, it would have been fantastic exposure for my Creative Empire to have this cover - a creative coup no question. I was fantasizing of collage typography assignments winging their way to the TTD from all corners of this world. Hey this girl can dream can't she - and BIG. But ... que sera, sera. How much goodness can one designer gal stand ??

I'm thinkin' ... I'm just gonna Rock On ! here at the Teak Topped Desk.

You didn't think I'd go a day without mentioning Mr. Has Changed my Life Forever did you ? Sigh. He makes me feel so completely & wonderfully loved I cannot really believe it. I'm living life in a Love's Savage Fury novel - lucky me. Counting the days until his return.

ps - petite delay with M&S - the new design company, although I did speak at great length last evening with my partner in crime - the much loved nephew and computer (especially mac) savant Mike. We're working on our logo, identity and setting up a gmail account so that any query's you may have re- blogs, photos, banners, illustration etc ... can be directed there and we can reply tout suite with a time frame and a price. And please remember all monies go toward building this young man's brilliant future. Wink.

questions ??? la M&S email
mandscompany@gmail.com

I got you

I got you to hold my hand
I got you to understand
I got you to walk with me
I got you to talk with me
I got you to kiss goodnight
I got you to hold me tight
I got you, I won't let go
I got you to love me so

Sonny & Cher I Got You Babe

from the cowboy's soundtrack for this big love

I know, I know .... I'm crazy, crazed. What am I doing posting photos of my freckled face tangled up with that beautiful tall moustache ? All I can say, in my defense is ... Hey ! I'm a visual person. I love photography, as you all know, and these photos ... today. Well, oh my ... they say it all don't they ?

I spoke with him last night, twice. I lay curled up and burrowed deep in the nest of down and flannel with the cordless phone sleeping soundly beside me because I knew that he'd call. He called from a gas station at the side of the road, from the lands of rugged rocky coasts, endless Boreal forest and lakes like oceans wide and the brown velvet hound is missing her sisters.

Oh and Hey ! Stay tuned tomorrow for the introduction of M&S - need help with your blog ? Larger photos ? a new banner perhaps ? you've just switched from a PC to a Mac and the transition is getting on your last frayed nerve ? need a spot illustration ? a logo ? some hand drawn type maybe ? Michael, my best loved nephew and computer/designer savant, and I are starting a little side business - Realize the blog you've always dreamed of and help a struggling student pay for university at the same time. Super affordable and amazing results - guaranteed !

beautiful poison

does this cloud look to you like a lean and greying cowboy ...

forever
- 23 days
________
an eternity

Ever has it been known that love knows not
it's own depth until the hour of separation

Kahil Gibran

Yesterday as the cowboy and the beautiful brown hound climbed into their vehicle and pulled away from the curb in front of this old brick house I felt sick to my stomach. The big ache had begun. How on earth will I survive 23 days without him and the brown velvet Bess ?

The cowboy with his big, huge smile and eyes that twinkle at me when he laughs, and he laughs a lot. With arms that fold around me and hold me tighter than I've ever wanted. The man with the tall moustache and boyish silver bangs that flop down over his forehead. A man so handsome my knees are permanently weakened. A man so kind and sweet, so funny and so deliciously complicated that I can't breath properly anymore.

Thank goodness I have 13 archived phone messages. I'll talk to him again Wednesday, tomorrow. He doesn't have a cell phone - of course he doesn't. Why didn't I say call me collect from a phone booth ? Will I ? Can I ? survive 24 hrs without hearing his voice - his real, live voice ?

I would wish to sleep for 23 days like a Snow White awakened upon his return, finally, with the sweetest kiss. But Hey ! Alas ! ... I have a million, billion things that I want to get done, that I must get done. The teak topped desk is yelling at me. If only I could take the cowboy and all my swirling, racing thoughts about him and us and put them gently in a cupboard in this old brick house, tucked away - even for a few hours so that I might be able to think again in a clear, straight and productive manner. Deepest sigh.

I have been beautifully poisoned ...




last night's walk - Winnie Dixon, Piper Belle & me

boat house

the beautiful boat house

Dance if you want to and I'll sit and watch you
Show me the steps that you know
Jump high and swing low and dance all night

Drive if you want to and I'll sit beside you
When there's a road to choose from
We'll choose the right one and we'll drive all night

And play if you want to and I'll listen when you do
And when you sing a tune, I'll sing along with you
And we'll play all night

Rose Cousins - Dance if you want to

Track 14 CD No. 2

mixed tape

scenes from yesterday's first road trip

I said I wanna touch the earth
I wanna break it in my hands
I wanna grow something wild and unruly

I wanna sleep on the hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

I wanna walk and not run
I wanna skip and not fall
I wanna look at the horizon
And not see a building standing tall

I wanna be the only one
For miles and miles
Except for maybe you
And your simple smile

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you closer to you

Dixie Chicks - Cowboy Take Me Away

The cowboy and the beautiful brown hound Bess leave tomorrow morning on a previously planned 4000 km, 3 week road trip back to where he came from. I've made him 2 music CD's - 33 songs to take with him. The proverbial mixed tape. Songs that I love, have loved and songs that suddenly seem meant for this - for us. A big beautiful soundtrack to this new life that has knocked me over. I can't even imagine him being gone, this wonderful man who's taken over my every thought and consideration. We'll talk on the phone at least once each day, we'll send emailed thoughts and promises and as soon as he & Bess arrive at their destination he will parcel up one of his books, a survey of Canadian history and mail it me express post and I will relish it. I will count the days until they return - as will Piper Belle and Miss D.

My Creative Empire is, has been, busting at the seams - Good Things continue to rush at me fast & furious. I am dizzy with Goodness. I will spend these cowboyless days here at the teak topped desk - building. I will spend time also freeing space and room in this old brick house for him and his things. Suddenly it's easy for me to let go of things that have tormented me for ever. I will miss him ... but Goodness ... I need to catch my breath.

ps to Chez Caesar the Steve Earle song Fearless Heart is a new favourite of mine and is track 7 on CD No. 1 - merci !!